Renie Cavallari, a corporate strategist, once told me there are four categories of people.  Some of us have a blend, but there is usually something that is dominant.  It’s our strength and our weakness.  They are:

1. People who must be right 

2. People who must win 

3. People who must be liked 

4. People who must be comfortable 

The good thing about people who “must be right” is that they almost always are.  They’re the scientists and mathematicians in the world.  The dark side is that “must be right” can become a compulsion.  It’s the person who is so terrified of being wrong, that they will be right at any cost.  And that cost is often lost businesses, opportunities and marriages.  No one likes to be around a “must be right” when it’s on auto-pilot and that’s all there is.

The good thing about “must win” is that they are successful.  They do win, because they must.  I LOVE have “must wins” on my team. That’s because if you give them a task and they sign on for it, it WILL get done no matter what.  No excuses it’s done.  The dark side of “must win” is when it turns into “I must win and you must lose”.  That’s when it’s not enough to win, generally because self esteem is so low that it means the other person has to lose to feel good.

The good thing about “people must like me” is that they give the best parties.  No kidding.  They’re the one who is buzzing around because if they want people to like them, they usually want people to like each other too.  The dark side, well, I bet you know this one.  A “people must like me” who is compulsive means it’s a person who will sacrifice ANYTHING to be liked.  

The good thing about “everybody must be comfortable” is that’s the person you go to when you need to be nurtured.  Everybody needs a safe place at some point in their life and that’s where it is.  But if you’re compulsive about it, it also means you’ll never point out something that isn’t comfortable.  You’ll live with a lie, and let others do the same, rather then make them uncomfortable.

I think I’m a little bit of everything but “everybody must be comfortable.”  I’m definitely a “must win” type of person, but I also want everybody else to win as well.  I can get authoritarian when I feel my way gets everyone that win, and that’s where the “must be right” comes into play.  Otherwise, I really don’t care about arguing about trivial things.  I’d rather look at the big picture of the outcome we all need.

Recently I got into a struggle trying to make a deal work with a couple where one was a “must be right” and the other was “everybody must be comfortable”.  The more strident the “must be right” became, the more the other went into a shell.  In the end, I couldn’t find a way to make the deal work so that we all got a win mainly because the “must be right”’s win had become that everybody else was wrong (and that’s no way to do a deal) and the “must be comfortable” wanted to crawl into a corner and couldn’t even articulate what a win would look like.

Next time you find yourself at odds with someone else, ask yourself.  Which category are you coming from?  What about the other party?  Is there a way to identify the category so you can all get what you want?